Joke item ideas

[makiki]

It's probably the first joke topic on this forum.
The fun is writing joke item ideas. Let me show an example:
Feriah's Greedy Sword
Uses gold to attack. If there is no gold in your inventory, you get disarmed every turn you attack. Can stun the enemy. Gold in your inventory can raiset damage of the weapon. You can bribe Goblin King with this sword, so
he will give you Crown for free.

[Sliko]

For weapons like this, drop rate needs to be extreme low, so you can get it for example, in 1 out of 15 games imo :>

[CFS]

Haha, I have an idea for a new character next to warrior, ranger, wizard: the merchant! He doesn't fight, he just buys everything, including the Crown

[makiki]

Two more joke items:
Banhammer
Every hit is 100% sure ban. Bans gives only 1 xp for Banhammer user. Can be used only by Bjorn. It can't be enchanted. It can't be sold. If another player gets this mighty weapon, he or she gets automatic permanent ban, for this character.

B. F. Axe
It is a VERY heavy weapon. It's slows your moves. It can block attacks easily. It can deal whooping damage.

[makiki]

Another joke item:
Really short sword which has got irrationally long name and that name probrably can't fit in your screen width, but don't worry because it is very light and very expensive weapon so sell it at closest merchant

'Nuff said.

[Jesusgeorg]

Bow of Blades: This crossbow has quite a wide bolt-channel... I wonder why?
Attack: 0 Defend: +2 Magic: 0 Speed: 0 Weight 12 Damage: 10 Speed: Slow (120%)
This bow uses the hundreds of daggers that litter the floor of the dungeon as ammunition. The daggers are lost upon embedding themselves into a monster. This item cannot be enchanted. This item cannot feel love.

Potion of Caffeine: WOWTHISISTHEBESTDRINKIVEEVERHADIWANTMORENOW! Made from an infusion of roasted exotic beans, this potion cures slow. This item cannot be enchanted. This item tastes better with cream and sugar.

Shield of Lies: "Kapeew! Bounced off me! Ha ha, missed!" "This is dumb, I don't want to play anymore!"
Attack: 0 Defend: 0 Magic: 0 Speed: 0 Weight: 0
25% chance that attacks that hit don't count because you say they missed. This item requires 0 hands to use. This item causes status "Annoying Twerp"

[Jesusgeorg]

Bag of Normal Stuff: Contains a random item that is likely worth less than the bag itself.
(Note: Item broken, seems to always produce a unique artifact.)

[makiki]

Shield of Lies - more OP than that regeneration amulet(forgot its name, sorry)
OK, my new idea: Giant coin - Can be used as weapon or as shield. It can stun. It can knock back. It generates gold when not used. Attack speed: 300% Damage: 21 Weight: 25.

[Dweller admin]

There's actually quite a few funny items in this thread. Some of them would be pretty easy to implement, but they will most likely be hard to balance.

[Jesusgeorg]

If you wanted, you could get away with implementing these if you add a cheat code. For example, the first guy in the training dungeon; after you find the second staircase down (or any arbitrary action, really), it could trigger him to offer the option to enable and disable joke items.

"You know, in the end this is all fun and games, really. If you're feeling really silly, I could allow game-breakingly powerful joke items for you. Just accept this quest to enable, and complete it to disable."

I'd have to explain "Annoying Twerp" status if you did, though. It was the balancing aspect of "Shield of Lies."

For each monster type blocked by Shield of Lies, there is a 50% chance that monster will "quit." That is, disappear and no longer be spawned by the game (You're cheating! I quit!). The Goblin King will quit if Goblins, Goblin Captains, or Goblin Shamans quit.If the Goblin King quits, the game is unwinnable. 

[makiki]

Simple - if you really want to use them in-game, make them undroppable. Players will be able to get them in debug mode or via cheat engine.

When looking on my previous ideas I suddenly imagined this item:
Hacked Banhammer
Can be used by anyone except Bjorn(don't complain, you have true Banhammer). It has got reduced hit rate. On miss you hit yourself. Every landed hit gives one of three outcomes:
-Target gets banned (42% chance)
-Target gets his items banned (34% chance)
-Target takes exactly 6.66 damage (24% chance)
This item can be banned. This item must be hacked into the game.
NOTES:
- Ban are 3-14 days long.
- Item ban means that this exact item cannot be dropped for ban duration.
- Banning GK crashes the game.
- Third attack outcome crashes Dweller and corrupts save state unless the target is killed in one hit.
- Unless you are Bjorn, banning someone corrupts the game. Banning items somehow doesn't make any glitches, unless on monster-hit you will ban the gold coins.