My nephew's wife just donated in my name, so hopefully I'll be able to request a custom artifact X)
Bochulain's Panacea: Gather 'round ladies and gents, and see the miracle cure that's coveted the world over! If you are sick it makes you well! If you are weak it makes you strong! If you are sad it makes you happy!This item has 5 charges. One charge is depleted for each use. Can be recharged only by standing on water. If poisoned, cures poison. If slowed, cures slow. If on fire, cures on fire. If disarmed, cures disarmed (no, seriously).
Poison: "Man, this stuff goes right through you!" "You are no longer poisoned"
Slow: "Tastes like Taurine... Bochulain's Panacea gives you wings!" "You no longer feel slowed down"
On Fire: "JUST DUMP IT ON YOUR HEAD! HURRY!" "You are no longer on fire"
Disarmed: "You pour the bottle onto your hand... a Water Hammer?" (This adds the Water Hammer, functionally identical to a basic shortsword, but appearing as a hammer, to your weapon slot).
The idea for this item came for me when I realized that being disarmed is flagged as a status ailment. I thought a potion to cure everything would be interesting if it cured that too.
Regarding the first, it's a pretty obvious crude joke, so I won't spell it out.
Regarding the second, the magic ingredient of the Red Bull energy drink is Taurine. I don't know what the advertisements were in Europe where it was invented, but in the US, it had the slogan "Red Bull gives you wings!" How better to cure that damned slow curse wraiths give you?
Regarding the third, most liquids (with some notable exceptions) can extinguish fires, nothing mystical about that.
Regarding the fourth, the weapon name is a pun.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Water_hammerI drew a pixel-art image of it, but I'm not authorized to attach files

You guys draw better than I do anyway.